


Text Back Tempo

by darkangel_silvermoon



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Break Up, M/M, Past Sexual Abuse, past trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-04 21:00:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18820642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkangel_silvermoon/pseuds/darkangel_silvermoon
Summary: Derek has not replied in two days...where are they to go from here?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first and only break up fic. I can’t stand the idea of them being apart. 
> 
> Inspired by Half Life-Imogen heap

" **_My self worth measured in text back tempo-_ ** **_It's been 2 days ,8 minutes too slow."— Imogen Heap: Half Life_ **

Reid slips his hands on the sleeves of his sweater, wrapping himself in the green cords of yarn.

His glasses slip down the bridge of his nose as he paces, face flush with emotion.

He hasn't gotten an answer…

Two days, eight minutes, seven seconds.

 Reid knew he'd get like this— _attached_.

How could he not? _He_ was everything Reid wanted, and once he got the physical, he didn't want to let go.

The front door creaks as it opens; Morgan sets his bag at the front door, shutting it firmly behind him.

Tears prick at the corners of Reid's eyes.

Big boys don't cry— How many times had his father told him that?

 Twice.

Morgan says nothing as he makes his way to Reid's kitchen, the coffee pot. Reid's gaze lingers on Morgan's rumpled shirt, unkempt beard, bloodshot eyes.

Reid jumps as Morgan slams a mug on the counter top.

"What do you want from me?" Morgan's voice is hard, spitfire as Reid digs the blunt of his nails into his own palms, leaving tiny crescents in their absence.

"W-what do I want?" Reid's incredulous. "Does it even register n your conscious? You're"—Reid's voice cracks as he tries to swallow the mass collecting in his throat.

 "Hurting me." He's broken; a limp doll as he sinks down into the kitchen chair. Morgan's face screws as Reid's shoulders shake.

 "Spencer, come on kid, look at me.” Morgan's voice is an anchor, something to hold on to as Red looks up, eyes rimmed red.

"It's happening just as you said it would. I know you never promised me anything more than this. You told me …" Reid looks at his hands.

"I'm a Vegas boy I knew the odds were against me. I'd never win." Reid clears his throat. 

"Yet here I am." A melancholy smile splays on Reid's lips. "I'm still here and so are you. That's got to count for something, right?" Reid's voice is tired from the strain. Morgan shuts down, scrubbing an open palm across his face.

"Spence, you're perfect and I'm"—Morgan huffs, "I can't do this! I can't be who you want me to be. I can't be the man that loves another man, who loves his best friend. That can't be me!" Morgan spews, pounding his palm against the counter.

Reid shivers.

"You, Pretty Boy, you'll never be lonely, you'll always find someone to love you. It just can't…be me. Not the way that you want me." Morgan stares at his feet as Reid curls deeper onto himself. 

"I- know…I know there's others, but I still like to pretend…"Reid bites his lips, willing himself not to cry, to throw himself at Morgan's feet. 

"That I'm the one you really want to grow old with." He whispers, hoarse.

Morgan's chest seizes- because deep down…

He can't be honest with himself. Can't let down those walls.

What would the others think? His mama, his sisters, his friends, co-workers, outsiders?

It's too much to think about. Maybe before Carl… before the thought was defiled, it could have been.

Morgan has to be content in living a half life. 

"Reid. " Morgan says softly. Reid sniffles as he looks Morgan in the eye.

Hold me, make it better, please. His eyes seemed to plead. 

"I came to…I'm sorry." Morgan's shoulders slump as Reid's face deflates. 

Bodies in motion stay in motion until a greater force acts upon it—stopping the motion.

Reid shuts his eyes, tucking into himself as Morgan disappears like a puff of smoke, only the lingering cloud of feeling left as proof he was ever there.

  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It makes sense in his head. Doesn’t mean he’s right.

He's been driving for minutes, hours, days?

Morgan bites his lower lip, willing himself not to scream, not to spin out as he presses his foot on the gas.

He's destroying the best thing he's ever had. 

Morgan's breath hitches as he thinks of their first kiss.

_The soft curve of Reid's lips, the light press of skin on skin as Morgan moans...he takes it deeper than he ever thought possible. Reid pressed back with equal force, nipping at the tip of Morgan's tongue as Morgan's hand snakes up his neck and tangles in his hair._

 Morgan's breathless as he remembers.

He remembers the look of soft light in Reid's eyes as he lay his head against Morgan's chest- panting in the dusky glow of Virginia's twilight sky.

_Their first time._

  _Worry bubbles in Morgan's stomach, but he tamps it down as he runs his fingers over the exposed skin of Reid's hip jutting from the rumpled sheets. Reid's butterfly kiss lands crookedly against Morgan's mouth, and he has to smile because...Reid didn't mind cuddling after... you know._  

_And it didn't feel smutty at first- but the phantom fingers of Carl grasped him tight, making him feel_

_IT._

 The shame and disgust boiling to the surface of his skin. He couldn't scrub it clean.

He didn't want to defile Reid. 

The not so innocent, addicted to coffee, perfect in his imperfection, beautiful Dr. Spencer Reid.

And Morgan doesn't know how to explain this to Reid.

Doesn't want to drag the memory of Carl into this,

Doesn't want to taint the feelings he has for Reid with the monstrosity of Carl and his actions...what he made him do...

Morgan had to let go of Reid, it was only fair.

Even if it didn't feel right.

Even if Reid loved Morgan...and Morgan felt the same.

Morgan does love Reid.

His car glides to a stop.

His blood goes ice cold.

Reid's curled against Garcia, body racked in heart wrenching sobs as she comforts him.

She looks up to catch Morgan's eye and she shoots him a look.

 ‘ _Stay where you are,or I'll castrate you_ ’ It seemed to say.

So, he did.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He doesn’t know how to fix this.

Garcia ushers Reid into the house. Reid looks up a little dazed as he spots Morgan idling in his car. Reid stiffens, looking up at Garcia.

"It's okay Reid, I'm going to talk to him, and you're going to rest my dear. You're tired. I'm going to straighten this out okay?" Garcia murmurs and Reid nods, she lets him go and he makes his way to her couch to lie down.

The screen door swings shut behind her.

Morgan slumps behind the wheel as the seat belt whirs back in place.

' _I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.'_

The words play like rounds in Morgan's head. He wants to hold Reid tight against him.

He was an idiot. Morgan knows this.

He wants to spend the re-

His heart aches so much behind his ribcage. He wants it to stop. He wants the idiocy to stop.

There's a soft rapt of knuckle against the glass, making him jump as his gaze swings around to Garcia in the window. 

"Baby Girl, I-" He starts, but Garcia glares.

He sits back as her heels click across the blacktop. She opens the passenger door and slides into the seat. The door snaps shut behind her.

"Derek,what in god's name- Do you know he walked all the way over here? He didn't want to be alone because Morgan just broke it off with him out of the frickin' blue?" Garcia's voice sharp, boiling with rage. Morgan slowly drags his gaze from the steering wheel. 

"Garcia I didn't mean to-" Morgan's breath shutters.

"Didn't mean to hurt him? Don't give me that crap Der." Garcia growls.

"He's hurt, he doesn't know what he did wrong. Doesn't know how to fix this...frankly, neither do I." Garcia huffs. Tears make the trek down Morgan's face, congregating on his chin. One by one, like suicide jumpers, they fall.

Garcia's mouth forms an astonished "o" as the sound is sucked from the car.

"Babe?" Garcia reaches to rub a small circle in palm of Morgan's hand.

Morgan brow furrows as he jerks away. His eyes squeeze tight.

He thumps his head against the headrest, tendons standing in high relief as he clenches the wheel tight.

His chest rise and fall erratically as he tries to push everything down... but it's not happening.

_The cabin, fresh dirt, the cool lapping of water against the lip of the lake- shiver, cold, sipping glasses of bubbles, heavy, slow, hard, no, no- relax...this won't hurt a bit-yes! Yes! Yeah...you're the best... you'd be nuthin'...I pulled ya out the gutta...should have told. Should have-_

"Derek!" Spider like hands pull Morgan out the driver's seat, Morgan gasps, struggling away from the masculine smell. And then he smells it... _Him_.

"Reid- 'm so sorry. Carl-" He croaks as Reid wraps Morgan in a tight hug. Morgan sags against Reid, letting him take some of his weight, his burden, his guilt for just a little while.

"It's okay Derek. I'm here." Reid murmurs as Morgan buries his chin in Reid's shoulder. He's holding on


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I gave you all...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from Mumford and Sons- I Gave You All

Derek can't breathe as calloused hands scrape across his whipcord frame; thick fingers skate across smooth skin.

But Derek sits still...he has to. For surely he'd cry out...and crying is the worst form of weakness.

He's doing what he has to do to survive. To save his sisters and mama from the hurt in this world.

He closes his eyes as hot breath seers his neck, ugly mouth sucking hotly like a leech.

Derek bites down hard on his lip and bears it...he has to.

  **Seal the urge**

**which ensues with brass wires**

**I never meant you any harm**

Reid tugs Morgan until they sit on Garcia's steps, knees touching as Reid patiently waits. Morgan flinches as Reid rubs a small circle in the back of his hand. 

It was never supposed to be this way.

He shutters as he opens his mouth- trying to find the right words...

"Reid, I-do love you. I just-" Morgan looks up to find honey brown eyes staring back. He could get lost there. He wants to.

Reid nods.

"I never meant to hurt you. It's just...I'm not good enough for-" Morgan's halted by the dark cloud storming over Reid's face.

"Morgan...If you say it, I swear-"Reid growls as he shakes his head. "You've been through a lot, I know that. But to tell the truth, I'd be lucky to have you." Reid sighs.

"And I'm going to do whatever it takes for you to see that." A small smile splays on Reid's lips as Morgan bites his own.

**But your tears feel warm**

**as they fall on my forearm**

Morgan shivers as he gets lost in the round that plays in his head.  

It's going to be okay.

Reid wants him for him...not to use him, not to hurt him; but because he genuinely loves him. 

And that's all he's ever wanted.

His eyes well at the thought as he wraps his arm around Reid's waist and holds him tight.

This is all he's ever hoped for- as tears fall, splattering irregular spots on Reid's arm.

Crying isn't secret, it's the art in how we grieve.

**But close my eyes**

**for a while**

**Force from the world**

**a patient smile**

Reid rocks Morgan slightly, wiping the wet tracks from Morgan's cheeks. Morgan sighs, listening to Reid's heartbeat.

Reid closes his eyes, taking the contact for what it is...love.

That's all it is.

Morgan pulls back a bit, to give Reid a wavering smile.

Everything's going to be okay.

**How can you say**

**that your truth is better than ours?**

**Shoulder to shoulder,**

**now brother,**

**we carry no arms**

Morgan's voice croaks as he speaks.

"He- he hurt me more than I ever-" He shakes his head. "Reid, it's not fair to you. That's why I did what I did; I'm broken-"

"No, you've had very traumatic events happen to you, and never really...healed. And that's okay. You've helped me; now it's my turn." Reid nudges Morgan's shoulder, drawing out a wider grin.

"That's the Morgan I know." Reid whispers as Morgan runs his fingers through Reid's tousled hair. "This is the man I love. I'm not going anywhere."

**The blind man sleeps in the doorway, his home**

**If only I had an enemy**

**bigger than my apathy**

**I could have won**

///

CARL BUFORD, I SENTENCE YOU TO ONE HUNDRED YEARS IN PRISON WITHOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF PAROLE. YOUR CRIMES ARE ATROCIOUS. YOU HAVE RUINED SO MANY LIVES AND THAT CAN NEVER BE RECTIFIED.

 "But-but I help so many kids...be somebody. Derek Morgan- he's a lead FBI agent...that's got to count for something."

A growl started low in Morgan's throat.

Reid had laced his fingers through Morgan's, squeezing as tight as he could. 

Got to keep Morgan grounded, to keep Morgan with them.

THOSE MEN GOT TO WHERE THEY ARE ON THEIR OWN MERIT NOT YOURS. YOU ARE A MONSTER, AND THIS SENTENCE DOES NOT FIT THE DEVASTATION YOU'VE CAUSED.

Carl looks over to find Morgan's eyes, like dark coals, sooty and worn down.

Morgan closes his eyes as a wash of pure disgust tugs at his gut. 

He grits his teeth as he closes his eyes...holding on to Reid. 

**But I gave you all**

Reid whimpers at the contact as Morgan's grip tightens in his locks, as they draw the space closed, lips pressing in the sweetest of kisses.

They hold on for all they're worth.

Teeth gnashing as tongues ask for acceptance on trembling bottom lips.

It's okay, as Morgan opens his mouth a little wider.

Reid gives it all he's worth, hand snaking around Morgan's middle, pulling him as close as he possibly can. 

This is what they need.

**But I gave you all**

Reid pulls back first, Morgan wants to chase his lips, but he holds himself.

"Are we okay?" Reid's hoarse as he blinks sleepily; aftershocks tingling down his spine.

Morgan smiles slow as he quirks a brow.

 "I hope so...it's a start?" Morgan chuckles as Reid lay a soft kiss on the corner of Morgan's lip.

**But you rip it from my hands**

**And you swear it's all gone**

**And you rip out all I have**

**Just to say that you've won**

"Derek...can't you do something? Anything?" Carl yells out as Morgan and Reid rise; he's escorted past them.

A calm passes over Morgan.

"I thank you Carl...for making me the man I am today." Morgan lifts up his head, staring directly at Carl as he holds Reid's hand.

"You thought you won." Morgan smirks as he shakes his head. "I'm stronger than whatever hold you thought you had on me." Morgan says as Carl’s pulled away.

Reid squeezes tight as they make their way out of the crowded courtroom. 

Well now you've won

///

Morgan sets the phone down on the receiver.

Reid looks up, brow cocked high.

"Carl’s been...stabbed to death in prison." His mouth twitches as Reid makes his way to Morgan.

"Are you okay?" Reid asks quietly.

Morgan kisses the top of Reid's head.

"Long as you're by my side, how could I not be?" Morgan whispers as Reid hugs him tight.

No one can say that they didn't win.


End file.
